I am not the most eloquent person. I struggle to express myself on a daily basis, to my family and friends, to work colleagues, even here on my blog. I struggle to tell the important people how much I love them, always fumbling to find the right words to express exactly how I feel. I read a lot, so it’s not as if I don’t know the words. I was a straight A student at school and loved my English subject most of all. So why do I struggle like this? When I talk to people, I have this habit of avoiding eye contact. It makes me seem shady, or like I’m lying or I don’t know what else. I am conscious of it and try my best to maintain eye contact but it’s so hard. It’s as if they’re staring straight into my soul and can see to the very heart of me. This is scary.
I have always struggled to make friends. My whole life, I had so few friends, I thought there was something wrong with me. In my adulthood, I feel awkward and feel like I stand out like a sore thumb. I feel like people are always laughing at me, making fun of me, and even though I know it’s ridiculous, that not everything is about me and people spend more time worrying about themselves than about others, and yet I can’t seem to help myself.
Is it because I am a people-pleaser? So I feel like I can’t be myself around others, always wanting them to be happy and proud. If this is so, how do I get over it? Is it because I’m shy and always anxious around new people? Or is it because I’m just not fun enough to be around?
Anyway, this post wasn’t supposed to be about my struggle. It’s supposed to be about how I’m going to try to express to my friends and family how much I love them. And to say thank you for being there for my little family through the troubles we’ve been through lately. To say sorry for not always being around and sometimes pushing them away.
To all my friends
Thank you for your patience. Thank you for staying by our sides and for your support. Thank you for the whatsapp messages and checking in. I know I don’t say it often enough, but you are loved, and I appreciate your friendship more than anything.
To my family
Thank you for the little things. For keeping us calm. For being the voice of reason. For taking the kids for an hour. Thank you for your encouragement and for not judging. For your love and support and all the other little things you do. I love you all and you mean the world to me.