2018 has begun and I’m sure some of you set out some New Year’s resolutions or a word to live by for the year. I wish you everything of the best and hope you fulfill your resolutions.

As mentioned in my last post, I have no resolutions, no word, and I don’t feel bad about it. What I do feel bad about, is myself. I have been wanting to get healthier and live better for the longest time but I just cannot get into it. I start and don’t see it through. Then I start again, promising myself I’m going to do better this time. And we all know how that ends up. I just have no motivation, no time, I’m always tired and hungry. Oh I see, these are just excuses. Yes, yes they are. See, I recognise them and should be able to move on from there. But I can’t, because I don’t know how.

Then I see hashtags like #mombodsunited and #selflove, #fitmom or #loveyourcurves and I won’t lie, my first feeling is jealousy. Jealous because I want to be as happy in my own skin as these gorgeous women seem to be. Jealous because I want the motivation and the drive to be able to work out every second day. Jealous because I want to be sexy AF and to not care what others think. After the jealousy goes away, I feel pressure. Pressure to conform and do what the other more popular people are doing. Pressure to love the way I look, even though I know I need to work on certain areas. Pressure to go to gym, to find the right work out clothes, to go to all the super hot classes, to find myself and be on top of everything.

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I just feel so despondent. And helpless. And no, this is not me looking for sympathy and you don’t need to tell me that everything will be okay. I know all that. I just need to find myself. In saying that though, I can’t believe that at 36 years old, I still need to find myself. Am I perhaps going through a mid life crisis? Or is it too early for that? Hahaha. I know what I want and how I want to feel, I just need to find the way to do that.

Maybe I’m putting the pressure on myself to be something I’m not. Maybe I need to unfollow all those ‘perfect’, go-to-gym-every-second-day people on social media. Or maybe, I just need to cut myself some slack. I am a mom of 2 very energetic, stubborn, opinionated boys and a newborn girl. I have good traits, like my friendliness, helpfulness, compassion and empathy for others. Maybe I need to focus my energies on those traits of mine and the rest will just flow.

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I feel like I let myself down, like I’m not good enough and that people find fault with everything I do. Perhaps I’m just having baby blues because my maternity leave ends in 2 weeks. I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. I just needed to get the words out of my head and hopefully make sense of it seeing it on ‘paper’.

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